Sometimes it’s hard to forgive, especially if you’ve been badly hurt.
Forgiveness is often a bit misunderstood, though. In reality, there is no reason NOT to forgive someone, even if you can’t forget what happened.
So, just what is forgiveness, and what does it mean to forgive?
- Forgiveness is nothing more than letting go, in your own mind, of the anger and hurt that you feel. It is completely internal to you.
- Forgiving someone does NOT mean that what they did is OK. Furthermore, it does NOT mean that you have to put yourself at risk of the same treatment again.
- Forgiveness puts YOU in control of the situation. Typically when you’re hurt, it means you were a victim. And a victim attitude is never a good place to stay.
When you forgive, you’re really saying that you won’t trouble your own mind anymore with what happened, but also that you will be wary of the person who hurt you, so that you won’t be hurt again.
So how do you go about forgiving someone?
When we forgive someone, we usually say to them, “It’s OK.”
No, it isn’t.
We might say, “Oh, just forget it.”
No, you shouldn’t.
You were hurt, and the person needs to understand that they caused you pain. Regardless of what happened, whether or not they think you’re over-reacting, whether or not they think they were right, whether or not it was intentional, you were hurt.
Tell the other person, or at least acknowledge to yourself, that you will not tolerate that kind of treatment again.
Then, create a plan for what you will do should it, or something similar, happen again. Now, it might not happen again, especially if it was an honest mistake. However, you need to be clear BEFORE it happens again, with this person or anyone else, how you will handle the situation in the future.
This places YOU in control.
You see, we are typically hurt because we weren’t expecting the other person to say or do that hurtful thing. And oftentimes we fall into the trap of believing that they will not do it again. This just sets us up for more hurt.
Just because we WANT to believe that someone will not hurt us again, does not mean that they WON’T hurt us again, intentionally or not.
Take control.
KNOW what you will do if it happens again.
At this point, it is usually fairly easy to let go of the anger and hurt. Accept that what the person did was wrong. Accept that it happened and cannot be changed or taken back. Look at the situation for what it is: an event that occurred with not so optimal results.
Now, anytime you think about that incident, think about your plan should it happen again. This will reassure your mind that you will not accept such pain in the future.
Finally, don’t dwell on what happened. Don’t keep reminding the other person of the incident. You have your plan should it happen again, so you only need to concern yourself if it does indeed happen again.
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Lots of people have trouble forgiving, so don’t keep this article to yourself. If you found it helpful, send it to your friends using the Twitter badge or other buttons below.
Have you been hurt to the point where you just can’t forgive someone? Were you able to overcome an intense hurt? How did you do it? Does this plan make sense? Share what you think in the comments below, I’d love to hear from you!
Another Great Article. I’ll definitely retweet this. Sometimes you just want to move away from hurtful situations, but you’re right we should always try to confront the problem and resolve it.
Absolutely. Ignoring the reality of a situation will not make it go away. If you feel pain, or something in your life is not right, then you have to address it, or it will just stick with you.
Fogiveness is a GIFT that you
GIVE to yourself… oh so good:)
Thanks for the great post. I feel
there are a lot of people out there
holding grudges against others…
Doing that is like drinking poison and
expecting the other person to die… duh!
Keep shining Jason!
From Eric Goldstein´s blog… Are You Playing BIG In Life? If Not, WHY?
That’s the best perspective I’ve heard on forgiveness… that it’s a gift you give yourself. Well said, Eric!
Well said Jason. This post reminds me of a boss I had e few years back.
I noticed he was having a bad attitude when he talked to me when my sales were low for the week. I ask him if I had ever done anything to him and he said no.
I said to him that I didn’t appreciate the way he was talking to me and he appologized and I accepted and there was never a problem again.
Some times People will run over you if you let them.
Thanks for sharing Jason.
From Daryl Whicker´s blog… What’s Your Child Or Teen Doing Between 3pm And 6pm?
Good for you for addressing the issue directly. Had you let it go, there could have been a lot of animosity building up between the two of you, and that’s not good for anyone. It avoids immediate pain, but makes things more difficult in the long run.
Right to the point of the matter, I love your writing style.. Great work Jason..
From Jaime Mo´s blog… Being Friends For The Sake Of Friendship..
This is exactly what I wanted to read!! Really your writing touched my heart! Personally I have faced many problems from my family! But now I think I could forgive them! Thats how we should proceed!
From Swashata´s blog… 5 Tips to lower your broadband usage over internet – Avoid unnecessary downloads
I loved this article !! I have had anger inside for me 8 years now because the person who I loved and his family hurt me 8 years back and I wasnt able to communicate it to them directly, however, I always thought the person who I loved had communicated it to them but no one apologized. Now, after 8 years, no one is ready to pay heed to the fact that I was hurt or it doesn’t matter anymore to the people who hurt me. I still love that person, but hate his family. For weird reasons, I am unable to blame the person I love, yet I keep blaming his family and am unable to forgive either of them. Even more weird is the fact that I really want to marry him and cannot live with out him but how am I supposed to do that when I am unable to forgive?